here now

first kiss

real deal

stealing glances

across blankets of

laughter

telling stories

making memories

about things that we feel

I don’t know

what you did to me

but boy am I ok with it

go with it

I won’t laugh at your tears

or your fears

just talk to me

I hear

what you’re saying

while also trying

to remember every detail

of the veins in your hands

and the smell of your hair

the color of your eyes,

exactly,

escapes me

takes me somewhere

to a place I can’t remember

the name of

 

It’s a warm cup of tea

It’s huddled close

In crisp air

It’s the space between

‘I want you’ and

‘I can’t walk away’

 

I don’t know what it means

but man

I like it

8.29.18

thanks

Sometimes I don’t think it is possible

To change some things about yourself

All the way

Deep down

 

Like when you see that name

That stings

That pinches a nerve

When you see the face

That does the same,

It never doesn’t hurt

Even if the wound has healed

Even if your heart understands

That we deserve better now

It was a part of your past

It assisted in your making

Helped create the smile

you’re wearing today

and that’s not a bad thing

actually the best thing

and maybe the only thing we have

in response

is a thank you

 

That thank you may be accompanied

By tears the first couple of times

But eventually

That name

That face

That song

That place

Will become an old friend

Who we will recognize as human

And not the enemy

Because he was probably

The reason it happened anyway

 

Say thank you to your seasons

They’ve been through it all

 

 

7/30/18

 

Romeo

(originally written 3/18)

When they ask

where we met

we’ll say

“just an old favorite place”

what we’ll mean

when we say it

is the look on your face

when I smiled

and you smiled

when I spoke to you

in your first language

and became a need

instead of a want

in the moment

in a bar

that happens to be

a hole in the wall

that I will never forget

you followed me home

and you, Romeo

waved to me

from my balcony

and that,  my sweet

is poetry

I couldn’t have written it better

Old Billy Shakes couldn’t dream up

A better plot

A better pair

of culture-crossed lovers

He dared us to do it better

and we tried

and we didn’t die

so I think we can call this

A successful beginning

An anti-ending

The start of a soon to be

Classic love story

 

sunny side

(originally written 3/18)

Sun coming in from the corner window

hitting my eyes, lighting them up

reminding me of the summer suns that never go down

and the nights that follow; eternities long

I want to keep those forever nights in my soul;

the part of me, of the girl that never loses

never fails

never falls

and even when she cries, she is held

by strong arms that love

Her every curve

every curse

every lie

that girl, I love

I miss

I fear I may not see her for a while

but maybe this new freedom

this new life will entice her

to visit the earth again

to come down from her

high horse

down to the ground where she belongs

in the mountains,

in the trees

that’s where she was born after all

She admits that fact lightly when out

with fancy men from buffalo

who don’t know how to deal with

Her candid speech

Her candid love

Her rocky roads with no lines telling him where to go

that’s it, there are no lines, babe

just drive.

You’ll see the path as you go and

that’s all I can promise

that one day, you’ll know the backroads

so well you won’t need lines, or a map

just the sun peaking through

the rearview

telling you

you’re home

 

I’m From

I am from special round rocks from the gravel drive

from life-size barbies & a living room tipi

I am from the little white house at the end of the block

and the pop-up pool & the trampoline

I am from the four leaf clovers from grandad’s field

whose surprising green petals were always saying hi

I am from wish-bear and worm-farm

from Kimberlin and Clark

I am from crooked toes and crooked smiles

to blond hair and blue eyes

to tight dark curls

I am from “Victory in Jesus!”

I am from Ricky Lee & Lola, Mary & Pete  

from pancakes and fried squash

from never learning to drive

and from never looking back

I am from sitting in my closet, believing I was magic

I am from these moments

 

addict

(originally written 2/18)

I’ve started drinking bad coffee

Cold coffee

Re-heated coffee

I’m becoming less picky about my caffeine

and I guess you could

classify that

as a symptom of addiction

Addict.

Your headaches that used to stem from stress

are now screaming at you to drink your brew

before it’s too awful late in the morning

It’s not so bad, ya know

And! It’s kind of

like a new internal alarm clock

and when you press snooze

which happens to be my favorite word

Your veins that are normally not working very hard

to pass your caffeine-thinned blood

are now trying to squeeze the regular, syrup-like-blood

through the lazy, normally small passages

and sending signals to your brain to quit all attempts

of being happy and also to throw a fake smile at

any and all humans you encounter until it subsides

Difficult

(originally written 2/18)

This is easier than I thought it would be.

Not having you here.

In a weird way,

My heart is at ease,

that you aren’t with her.

That you have to grow up now,

gain some independence.

I don’t need you anymore.

I really don’t.

I’m finding my voice

my rage

my point of view

And although I think it would be nice to go back to our perfect bubble

where we were unstoppable,

inseparable,

that’s not what I need anymore.

I need to leave here.

See 100 new faces a day.

I think that’s what I need

Please don’t invite me to your wedding

If you ever have one.

 

Socks

(originally written 1/18)

 

I have a pair of your socks

I have a pair of your socks and I keep them in my sock box

my box of socks

but I don’t think you want them back

you probably have lots of socks

Better socks

Prettier socks

So why bother remembering the navy blue crews you left with me?

I meant to give them back a few other times but I would forget,

get lost in your laugh,

have a moment of confusion where I thought we were already a union

and what was yours was mine,

and I didn’t wanna waste your time so,

I didn’t give them to you and now I have them

that’s how that works I guess

but I’m not sad about it

I don’t see them very often so it doesn’t make me sad

I just like to know that they’re there.

When I pack up to move, though, I don’t know

what I will do with them.

I play a game with myself where I hide things so that I won’t throw them out

Like you

I knew that what we had couldn’t possibly be sweet enough to last and so I left things unsaid

left sentiments and questions of intent hidden under my tongue

In closets I hid from you my worries

my flings and my doubts

I didn’t post on social media because I didn’t want you to think about

what I do when you’re not around

The hiding didn’t last though and now you know that there are parts of me you’d rather not see

if you had the chance you’d swap them for something easier than

loud easier than sweet and honest

easier than loving me

The others keep piling but

they all add up to disappointment

I let them into my apartment until they make me sad

because I’m not going to lie, I like my suitors

they are each very special to me.

But it’s only fun until I remember.

Only flirtatious until their hands feel unfamiliar.

Only hot until I can’t breathe and they have to get out.

I won’t force them to leave but I will shut down until they can’t stay.

Your eyes that looked at me with goodness and green

They are better than every seduction

Than every beer stained bra

Every mark left on my neck

which I kept captive and actively hid from you

I was afraid that I might fall short of the ideal you had in your head

I wanted to be perfect

these men that claimed me as their own

at least for a night

took my hands 

my mouth and

tried to use them for their glory

tried to make me feel perfect but in their attempts lie my regret

For my sin cannot be covered by their worship of my body

I cannot be loved by liquor alone

They want to hold me

to keep them warm at night with my skin

which I didn’t sign up to give

not really.

And my remnant of you is a pair of socks

that you sacrificed to keep my feet from freezing

So thank you and if you don’t mind keeping secrets

I will keep my box of socks unlocked

but your socks I’ll make sure to keep on top